Who am I?
by Isabella Poulous
Summary: An alternate ending to the book, My Sister's Keeper. The whole what if idea is explored in Anna's POV with flash backs periodically throughout the story.Hypothetically, what if Anna had lived, and Kate died in the book? Feel free to review or flame.


Hypothetically, what if Anna had lived, and Kate died in the book? I wanted to explore hypothetically, if after the whole medical emancipation thing, if Anna hadn't been the one to die and give the kidney, but what if she had given it b/c she didn't want her sister to die in the end. Feel free to flame, and disagree or review. I wish it was longer, but this is four pages long on word doc, so enjoy the shortness. ^^)

Disclaimer: I do not own "My Sisters Keeper", the alternate ending idea is my own. YAY CREATIVENESS!

Also, if you have any grammar tips and you find any please point them out to me. I'd love to fix this. I will upload a new story/chapter every Wednesday. I also write twilight, i am currently writing my own book. Which is taking me longer than expected, but I'd appreciate any help fixing grammatical errors on this story. I am looking for a beta, simply because i can not do all grammar on my own. I need a second set of eyes to look at the paper and help me fix mistakes that I didn't notice at first. Thanks!

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All these years, I gave up my kidney for her and it was for nothing. She died anyways. How is a person supposed to handle that kind of thing? I suppose in the end, it's not the ending but the journey. How everything happened. I can't say that because of Kate I'm not stronger, because I'd be lying. I am a stronger person today.

Sometimes I wonder if it would have been better if it were I in that car? Or what If I had been the one driving? I'm absolutely positive that mom and dad blame me. What use do they have for me now, especially since I am a 20 year old, who happens to be a cancer patient?

Sometimes, I can't stand to look in the mirror, to see the my face; knowing I was created for the opposite of all this. But, by some twist of fate, Kate dies in a car accident, and I end up with leukemia.

Her boyfriend Taylor: he hasn't been the same since Kate's passing. he never comes over anymore, he doesn't talk to us. I used to see him every now and then when he'd come visit me during my chemo. Oh sure, I suppose deep down he understood that she was dyeing, that what they had might not last. As difficult as it was for him to know that, it surely doesn't take away the pain that comes with losing the one you love.

You know when you look outside at the world, and it feels like your trapped inside? Yeah, well for me I felt like I was trapped inside, with no way out, and no one to save me.

You can look out a window and see the world passing by, but sometimes I wish the world would just stop. For just one moment, because if the world would just stop, I could get off this ride. The very ride that was making me so severely ill. I could possibly live my life the way it's supposed to be lived- or how it should've been lived, anyways.

I feel a little selfish for thinking this, but I can't seem to get it out of my head. Away from the millions of thoughts that are drowning me out; almost, as if these thoughts of my sister are entwined with every single thought I have. Yet, no matter how I try, they fail to leave me alone; and I'm left thinking: _All that trouble we went through, and my sister dies anyways. I did what she asked me to, but in the end it didn't matter._

In the end,I couldn't let her die; I would never have bee able to live with myself knowing that I didn't at least try one last time. I think even though she was ready,_ I _wasn't able to let her go.

Looking back on all of this, I can't say that I blame my parents, had I been able to make decisions with a maturity level that I have now, I most likely, and quite possibly would have done everything in my power to save her life, not that I didn't when she was sick. It just seems that when she wasn't sick, i couldn't fix her.

Then there's my brother Jesse; sometimes I wonder if I had died, and Kate lived, if that would've been it, you know what i mean.

Hypothetically, had I died - and though he'd be upset with my death- he would be able to have attention from out parents. Poor Jesse, he just gets lost in all this hustle and bustle; even now i would do anything for my brother to be able to have the normal life that he craves so much. You know, the one where the parents go to their kid's soccer games, that kind of life, the kind where you dad gives you advice on how to 'woo' a girl.

Maybe, just maybe he could have some sort of normal life without me. Sure, he'd be grieving for his sisters loss, but the family would move on. They'd learn to live and learn to give all their remaining love to their remaining children. I die, Kate lives completely, no more sickness. He is normal, she's normal; just a couple of kids who are normal- hypothetically that is- who are just dealing with their sisters death. They might have not been completely happy, maybe something might have even been missing from their lives; in the end they'd have each other and less pain. They'd never have gone through all those years of emotional turmoil, but -then again- that's if i wasn't born, not if I died. My mistake, lost my train of thought.

I find myself wondering constantly if what I did, if that was the right thing; if maybe, just maybe, I should've listened to my sister in the end. Not given her the kidney, maybe things would have worked out differently, but in the end I ultimately made the decision.

It was my body; and I couldn't just let her die. Sure, you could call me selfish, but I believe it was an act for my sister. Sometimes I don't think I was in my right mind completely, I believe that I was so upset with all of this that I wasn't thinking clearly. I let my emotions cloud my mind. Though, then again, isn't that what it also means to be human?

Thinking back on how she looked the day she asked me to _not_ give her my kidney, I think now being able to be more mature about this; I might have been able to weigh the options. She was done with all of the fighting, the pain everyday, she said to me "my time was up when the stem cells to cure my leukemia didn't work."

We would sit on the grass outside of our house, and talk as she braided my hair and we continued this for hours. We talked about all of our decisions. Where I wanted my life to go. Now that I look back, I see that she was always interested in me, she never told me of her goals. I see it now, she was fine with dieing didn't scare her. But it scared me, it sill does. It's normal I'm told, to be scared of death, it's the unknown. There is no scientific proof of what is going to happen to you. Of course I'm scared! Who wouldn't be?

I told her I didn't want her to die. She said she was ready. But sometimes last minute you realize this isn't what you wanted after all.

Sometimes I wish a miracle occurred. Like when we were sitting in her hospital room yelling at her cancer cells to go away forever. I wish it happened, that her cancer and all her sickness just disappeared.

Did I ever feel invisible? Sure, all the time. I was never asked if I wanted to help my sister out, just grabbed and poked and prodded. I wish life were as easy as when I was a child. No decisions, no responsibilities, never my fault, I wouldn't mind life being simple like that.

Mom says that I feel like this, depressed that is, because its normal for those who've given up a kidney or something like that, to have depression.

I asked her: "even years after the kidneys gone, am I really supposed to feel this way"

My mom she looked at me in the eyes, dead on. It was really freaky, and she told me: "yeah, that's what happens"

I guess some people might feel resentment towards her, if only because after this whole entire thing, cancer thing that it, this was why I was born. But I don't feel resentment, I love, loved my sister. I would have done anything for her. It just doesn't seem fair that I'm alive and she's gone. I should've died, after all then they could keep my cells, and my blood, and my organs or what ever for my sister. I was a perfect match. Was, being the key word. But now what am I if I'm not here to save her life, now being sick, what am I to do with myself? Who am I?

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I felt that this story was a good alternate ending. That Kate dyeing would be a good ending as well. So you'll find out how kate died in the next chapter which is already being written.

Again, as I've said in my last work of fandom fiction: as nice as it would be for a review, it is not necessary and i do not dwell on them being the utmost importance of my writing career. It is always nice to hear from fans, but not necessary as long as people read and enjoy, I'm good.

Ciao!

xoxo-Isabella Poulous


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